


hope among ashes

by Arbryna



Category: Lost Girl
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-01
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-10 18:12:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1162914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arbryna/pseuds/Arbryna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bo's feelings for Rainer are gone. What's left?</p>
            </blockquote>





	hope among ashes

God, what has she done?

Bo’s been numb since it happened, reeling. In shock. The familiar surroundings of her bedroom blur around her as she grips a glass bottle in her hand. Getting drunk won’t solve anything—there is no solution, no way out of this pit she’s dug herself into—but it does dull the pain, quiet the voices in her head that prick like tiny needles at her conscience.

She doesn’t know what happened exactly, still doesn’t know what it all means or what’s going on, but she knows…

She doesn’t love Rainer. She never did, not truly. It felt…it felt so damn real, but already she’s having trouble recalling the feeling of completeness, the sense that she’d found the path she was meant to be on. She remembers that feeling was the most important thing in the world—more important than a mess of a love life that never quite managed to make her _happy_ , more important than anything.

And it wasn’t real. She shut out her entire family for a lie.

Now that feeling of rightness has been drained from her, and all she can do is wallow in the emptiness that remains. Well, wallow and drink. The alcohol is bitter on her tongue, but not as bitter as the knowledge that she may have succeeded in driving away two of the most important people in her life.

She can’t blame them for it, either. They both deserve far better than the way she’s treated them. Bo may have stopped killing her lovers, but she’s never managed to stop hurting them.

This time, she just might have gone too far.

And where does she even get off wallowing anyway? She’s brought this all on herself. It can’t compare to what Kenzi is going through.

Kenzi. The name stabs at Bo’s chest as she takes another swig of alcohol. That’s her fault too, really. If Bo hadn’t been so weak, so stupid as to fall under whatever power gave her those feelings for a man she’d never met before--if she’d just gotten off the train when she had the chance, she would have been here to protect Kenzi, from the Una Mens or the Morrigan or whoever might want to hurt her. There would have been no need for pawning family heirlooms to homicidal Druids.

No need for debts to madmen, for vendettas that rob the most beautiful person in the world of the happy ending she deserves, just when her fingers were about to close around it.

Bo used to think her powers were what hurt people. She never considered that it might just be _her_ —no mystical powers, no supernatural hunger, just one woman’s remarkable power to turn everything she loves to ash.

A sob catches in Bo’s throat, and she washes it back down with liquor. She tastes salt at the edges of her lips; when did she start crying?

“Yep. I am definitely in the right house.”

Bo’s eyes jerk away from the floor, zeroing in on the woman in her doorway. Everything about Tamsin is strangely soft and affectionate, from her smirk to the way she rolls her eyes and nods toward the bottle in Bo’s hands.

“Seems to be the coping method of choice lately,” Tamsin comments, sinking down onto the edge of the bed next to Bo.

“Then you’re right,” Bo shoots back, proud when her words come out mostly unslurred. “You _are_ in the right house.”

Tamsin chuckles and reaches to tug the bottle from Bo’s hands. “So when did you and Kenzi switch over to the Valkyrie Method of drinking your problems away?” she asks, taking a quick swig herself. “I thought you two were into all that touchy-feely processing shit.”

“I can’t.” Something breaks in Bo’s chest. She can’t put any of this on Kenzi—and if Kenzi sees her like this, she won’t have a choice. Kenzi won’t let Bo take care of her, not if she thinks Bo is the one who needs taking care of. Bo reaches to take the bottle back, frowning when Tamsin yanks it out of her reach. “You should be with her, though. She needs someone right now.”

“I spiked her Cosmo with Nyquil. What that girl needs is some sleep,” Tamsin says, glancing fondly in the direction of her and Kenzi’s room before turning back to turn sharp eyes on Bo. “You’re looking pretty rough yourself.”

“Nothing getting ragingly drunk and passing out won’t fix,” Bo says with a roll of her eyes. She tries to reach for the bottle again, only to be denied a second time.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea, succulette.”

Bo scowls at Tamsin with narrowed eyes. “Why not?”

Tamsin’s eyebrow quirks. “Because I am not about to become the official household food delivery service when neither of you will come out of your rooms.” She sighs, looks down for a second, and when she looks back up the mirth in her eyes has softened. “You need to talk to someone. As long as you keep the tears to a minimum, I think I can manage to listen.”

A smile tugs at the corners of Bo’s mouth, but it’s quickly swallowed by the hollow despair filling her chest. Bo rests her face in her hands, rubs at her eyes. “I don’t even know where to start.”

“Well you’re pissed about Rainer, right?” Tamsin shrugs, leaning back on her hands. “I get that. It’s a pretty big violation.”

“Pissed about—” Bo frowns and looks down at her hands. “No, you don’t get it. I’m not mad at him—well, I am, but that’s not…This is about me.”

Tamsin sits back up, leans in closer to Bo. “What about you?”

Bo chuckles bitterly. “Oh, just how good I am at hurting the people I love.”

“You don’t think they’ll hold that shit against you, do you?” Tamsin asks incredulously. “I mean, we all know now that it wasn’t you.”

“Except it was,” Bo corrects, tears burning at the corners of her eyes. “The feelings weren’t real, but what I did about them? The way I handled everything when I got back, rubbing my ‘destiny’ in everyone’s face? That was all me.”

Silence. Bo can’t blame Tamsin for not speaking. There’s no argument there, no way around the fact that she screwed up in a major way.

“You know,” Bo says softly after a few moments. Out of the corner of her eye she can see Tamsin look up at her, lean in a little closer. “When I found out I was fae, I had hope for the first time that maybe I wasn’t a monster. Maybe…maybe I could be good.” She laughs, sour and resigned. “I should have known better.”

“Bullshit.” Tamsin’s hand lands on Bo’s shoulder, squeezing firmly. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, you made a royal shitshow of the whole situation, but you are not a bad person, Bo. You…you’re amazing.”

Bo listens, stunned, as Tamsin’s words turn from good-natured ribbing to a stark, solemn oath. There’s respect in Tamsin’s voice, in the way she looks at Bo, but there’s more than that.

There’s affection and concern and a devotion that Bo can’t make sense of. The way Tamsin is looking at her right now, it makes her want to believe in Tamsin’s so-called “perfect” image of her.

Raising her hand to Tamsin’s cheek, Bo runs her fingertips along the soft skin. “I don’t deserve you.”

“You’re right,” Tamsin chuckles, looking away as her cheeks start to flush. Her eyes drift back up to Bo’s, and that raw honesty burns into Bo with its intensity. “You deserve so much better.”

Before she even realizes what she’s doing, Bo is leaning in to close the distance between them. Tamsin gasps a little when Bo’s lips make contact, but it doesn’t take long for her to melt into the kiss.

Tamsin kisses Bo like she’s been wandering the desert for ages and Bo is a fresh, cool spring. Her hands tremble against Bo’s face, her throat keeps catching around these needy little sounds, and Bo can feel the want radiating from every last bit of Tamsin’s aura.

It feels good, to be wanted. It makes the dark emptiness in Bo recede, even if it’s only for a little while. She wants to keep kissing Tamsin, to never leave this feeling of being safe and cherished and loved.

But Tamsin pulls away, pulls Bo’s hands down away from her face. She turns to look at the floor, and when she speaks, her voice is thick. “I can’t.”

Bo is confused. Tamsin is literally burning with desire for her, why is she turning this down? She tugs her hands free of Tamsin’s, slides one up to turn Tamsin’s head. She’s close, close enough that a twitch could cause her lips to collide with Tamsin’s. “Isn’t this what you want?”

Tamsin chokes on a bitter laugh, and when she pushes away Bo is sure she can see tears glittering at the corners of blue-green eyes. Tamsin shakes her head, mutters almost to herself. “What I want…”

All of a sudden, everything becomes clear. Bo’s throat thickens with guilt and pain; she’s done some stupid things in her lifetime, but not noticing what now seems painfully obvious is probably one of the stupidest.

Tamsin loves her. Tamsin is _in_ love with her.

“Oh god,” Bo breathes. She wants to reach out to Tamsin, to comfort her, but that might just make it worse. “Tamsin, I—I’m _sorry_.” The depth of sorrow in her voice could never make up for the wounds she’s been unknowingly inflicting all this time.

“What?” Tamsin turns back, her eyes wide and fierce. “No no, don’t do that Bo. We’re not worrying about me right now.”

“How can you say that?” Bo’s throat catches around the words. “I’ve been hurting you and I didn’t even know it.” It’s all she knows how to do, it seems—hurt people.

“Hey.” A hand presses at Bo’s cheek, forces her gaze up. Tamsin’s eyes are ablaze, her voice stern but kind. “I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. I’m more worried about you right now.”

Bo just shakes her head, bewildered. After everything she’s done…rambling on and on about her feelings for Rainer, whining to Kenzi about her other relationships falling apart, never caring that Tamsin was right there next to them, never noticing the pain Tamsin had to be in, never realizing that she was making it worse. “How do you not hate me?”

Tamsin lets out a dry laugh. “If I could have figured out how to do that, things would be very different right now…” she trails off, her brow creasing. After a moment, she looks back at Bo straight-on. “Look, if you ever tell anyone I said any of this, I will kick your cute little ass _so_ hard—but the truth is, I could never hate you.” She looks away, clears her throat. When she speaks again, it’s almost too quiet to hear. “I love you too much.”

A warm, fluttering feeling explodes in Bo’s chest, and the tears that spring to her eyes are the first tears she’s shed today that weren’t in guilt and self-pity. “Tamsin—”

“Remember what I said,” Tamsin says, cutting off whatever Bo might have wanted to say. “You tell anyone about this…”

Bo smiles, small and genuine and a little mischievous. “Yeah, I remember you said my ass was cute.”

Tamsin groans and rolls her eyes, pushes at Bo’s arm. “You really do have selective hearing issues.”

Silence settles between them again, but it’s not an uncomfortable one. It feels safe, somehow. After a moment, Bo pulls Tamsin into a hug.

“Thank you,” Bo murmurs into the curve of Tamsin’s neck.

“No sweat,” Tamsin replies, her pulse pounding against Bo’s forehead and her hands trembling against Bo’s back.

“Can—I mean would…would you stay?” Bo asks nervously, keeping her head resting against Tamsin’s shoulder to avoid her eyes. “To sleep, I mean. I…I feel better with you here.”

Tamsin’s arms tighten around Bo. “Yeah, I’ll stay.”

For a second Bo is thrown by the simple concession; she expected at least to endure some teasing about the whole thing, but Tamsin just said yes without hesitation. It seems Tamsin is just full of surprises—and happy ones, unlike the ones Bo usually faces.

It doesn’t take long to prepare for bed, but it is…awkward. Bo tries to look away as Tamsin slides her jeans down her legs, then fumbles around under her shirt for a second to add her bra to the pile of denim.

“If I’m sleeping over, I’m gonna be comfortable,” Tamsin points out when she catches Bo peeking.

Bo blushes hot and turns to hunt down pajamas for herself. When she turns back around, Tamsin is tucked under the covers waiting for her. Bo wastes no time in sliding into bed too, pressing up against Tamsin’s side. She smiles as Tamsin’s arm slides around her shoulders and pulls her closer.

After they’ve gotten settled, Tamsin clears her throat. “I, uh, I might not be here when you wake up,” she warns, then awkwardly rushes on. “Not that I don’t want—I mean, if Kenzi wakes up. She might need me.”

She looks so conflicted, like she’s actually worried Bo is going to hold a grudge against her for helping a friend. Bo smiles, squeezing Tamsin’s middle. “It’s okay. You’re here now.”

Tamsin relaxes a little, breathing out a little sigh of relief, then stiffens and tightens her arm around Bo. “You tell anyone about this…”

“You’ll kick my cute little ass, I know,” Bo murmurs, rolling her eyes as she tucks her head into the curve of Tamsin’s shoulder. She presses a soft, chaste kiss to Tamsin’s collarbone before whispering a promise into the warm skin. “It’ll be our little secret.”

This is selfish, but knowing that isn’t enough to make Bo give it up. If it means holding on to this warmth, this safety, just for one night, she’ll let herself be selfish. It may just be the only thing that holds her together.


End file.
